Paper Tigers

You know, we’ve all been hearing so much about recycling lately, that it’s easy to forget there’s another side to the story.

Did you ever wonder how the trees feel about the paper making process? Let’s imagine that you are
an average Conifer, hangin’ out in the old home woods. Life is good. You don’t have too many responsibilities, really. Mostly you just stand around BS-ing with the other Pines, complaining about those obnoxious Hardwoods that are moving onto your turf. They think they’re so superior, especially the Oaks. Ha! Squirrel feeders, that’s all they are! Throwing their acorns around like everyone in
the forest worships the ground they grow in. Oh sure, they have a nice grain, but you have to be a
little suspicious of anyone who drops their leaves at the first sign of a little cold weather. They just
can’t take it.

You’re one of the few, the proud, the Red Pines! You ain’t no Quaking Aspen!

You and the neighbors grew up together, planted at the same time- and it’s kind of like living in a big
college dorm. Everybody’s the same age, and you’ve been cross-pollinating for quite a few years now (although your parents still don’t know).

As little seedlings, you scared each other silly with horror stories about the evil killer Paul Bunyan, or the “careless smokers”, and everyone knew a few really stupid trees that played with fire. ’Course they didn’t last long. But that was a long time ago, and you’re all grown up now.

You know the answer to the old question, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around, does it
make a noise?” Damn right it does, (they go down screaming) and it’s really unnerving, ’cause it could’ve been you!

You hate woodpeckers with a passion.

Then one day a bunch of heavy equipment rumbles into the woods, and bing, bang, boom, you’re chopped, hauled, chipped and rolled, and before you know it somebody is reading a short story that’s
written all over you.

Well hey, it could’ve been worse.

You could have been made into toilet paper!