Tree Of Life

WHEW! What a process! But here it is, finished at last!

Author’s note: While camping over Labor Day with a group of friends, sitting around the campfire and watching autumn leaves cascade down off the trees in a shower of golden hues I was struck by the thought that every leaf represented a minute of warm weather which was rapidly coming to an end. When the leaves were all gone, so too would be summer. And THEN I thought...





















He awoke far too early with the dread certain feeling that something was wrong. Somewhere, somehow things weren’t as they were supposed to be.

He wasn’t surprised at the feeling – he had been anticipating it, and after his morning shower and cup of decaf, walked over to the living room window to look across the street. He was in no hurry to take in this particular view, he had a pretty good idea what he was going to see, a vista that had been a long time coming.

But knowing the inevitable wasn’t the same as living it, and he was still deeply saddened to see the Tree in front of his neighbor’s house had finally shed its last withered leaf. Even at this early hour, friends and relatives were gathering for the final task, sorting through the fallen leaves and beginning to prune the dead branches. He knew he would have to join them soon (he was honorary custodian of the block’s chain saw, after all) but he didn’t relish the thought. He’d been quite close to the old widow across the street, who’d been a surrogate grandmother to his kids as they grew up and wasn’t looking forward to the evening’s bonfire, which was always a bittersweet event. No doubt, this would be a big fire. The woman had lived her whole, long life in the same house, so she (and, of course) her Tree had never weathered the stress of transplantation. In its prime, its canopy would block out the sun and throw a welcome pool of cool shade over her lawn and half the street.

He looked sadly at his own Tree, standing forlornly by itself in his yard, no longer accompanied by his wife’s (long gone) or his childrens’ (one married, one in college in Idaho – easier to move your Tree when you were young and it was still a sapling – so much harder as you grew older and your roots grew deeper), and he was so preoccupied with current events that he didn’t notice the change that had taken place in his yard.

Deep breath. He walked out to his garage, picked up the saw and proceeded across the street. Leaf sorting was going to take awhile, the old lady had been one who just let the leaves fall and accumulate on the ground, something he couldn’t understand. He had always kept his yard neat, picking up and cataloguing his foliage as it fell. But not her, and now the task fell to her heirs, a daunting task given the years of accumulation – still a foot deep even though many leaves had blown away and were lost forever. But they’d made a good start of it, and had the customary two piles, one quite large (the everyday events) and another much, much smaller (the truly significant moments). He selected a random leaf from the second pile and inspected the image on its surface, pleased to see that it was one he remembered; her daughter’s first piano recital. He’d been there, oh, so many years ago, and smiled as a melodic snatch of Claire de Lune wafted through his memory. A second leaf sported a scene he was unfamiliar with, some sort of family picnic from the looks of it, but on the third he found his son’s childhood likeness, dressed in Halloween hobo garb and on the receiving end of an enormous popcorn ball from the (much younger–weren’t we all) woman. “Keep it,” said the lady’s son, knowing he’d have to consign the vast majority of her leaves to the fire. As the nursery rhyme said, “Leaves will fall, can’t keep ’em all.”

The Trees were a blessing, and a curse. So nice to see the vibrant springtime green of the young couple down the block’s Trees, and know there were years stretching out ahead them, still nice to see his friend’s Tree in its Autumn gold glory – he’d earned those brilliantly colored leaves one day at a time, and the Tree still clung to the majority of them. Harder to see the withered and gnarled, sparsely covered branches of the old man’s Tree three doors down. He’d be joining the neighbor woman soon. Cancer. Root rot. Call it what you will. Even harder still to see the freshly cut stump of the teenage girl killed a month ago in a car accident. Nobody knew of the tragedy until her father came out to pick up his morning paper and found her Tree, stripped clean of its leaves overnight and standing skeletally bare against the gray morning sky. No one should have to see that. No one.

Yes, a blessing, and a curse.

He pulled the cord and the chain saw roared to life, a throaty growl that sent a primal shiver of fear down the backs of everyone who heard it. The sound of a saw never meant good news.

Hours later a neatly stacked cord of wood stood in the place the tree had occupied for so many years, the everyday leaves piled deeply around its base. Community and family gathered around in a circle as the woman’s body was carried out and placed gently on top. The funerary torch was lit and touched to the leaves which ignited with a whoosh and soon the night was chased away by a fiery blaze that swirled into the sky, dancing embers mixing with the stars in a crackling display of celestial fireworks. Later, when the fire had died down enough to allow a closer approach, he tossed a leaf from his own Tree onto the coals, his favorite part of the ceremony. Fittingly enough, the image imprinted on its surface was of the old woman standing in her doorway clutching her shawl, waving goodbye. It flared briefly to life and then was gone in a swirl of ash – so fitting.

That night, on his way home, he stopped to pick up the fallen leaves under his Tree – not unusual – mature Trees have a limited amount of leaves, just as the human brain has a limited capacity for data storage. Old growth is constantly shed to make room for new memory-leaves and he diligently sorted the rejects into their two-category bins. Odd, he thought, that there would be so many, a good double-handful, but he was too tired after the day’s events to give it much thought and wearily went to bed.

––•––

The next morning, as golden sunlight filtered through the Tree and cast a dappled pattern of light on his wall, he struggled to consciousness through blinding waves of a pounding headache. No ordinary migraine this, he thought while rubbing his temples and the feeling that something wasn’t right reasserted itself, hell, stood up and punched him in the gut with a force that took his breath away.

SOMETHING’S WRONG.

He cautiously sat up in bed, drawing slow, even breaths and willing his world to stop spinning, forcing the dizziness into a room in the back of his mind and then locking the door – a biofeedback trick he had learned long ago. It worked, at least enough to allow him to stay vertical, and he shuffled to the bathroom and took a long, hot shower. That helped too, and he nearly felt normal as he opened the door to fetch the morning newspaper before feasting on a large bowl of raisin bran.

Rising from the stoop, paper in hand, he almost turned and reentered the house when something caught his eye. A little flicker that scratched at the corner of his consciousness. More leaves lay on the ground beneath the Tree. That really shouldn’t be. And then he saw it.

A branch – a small one, thank god – had been neatly severed and spirited away during the night. No. Not one - TWO. The familiar outline of the Tree’s canopy had been irrevocably, deliberately altered, an almost unthinkable offense. No sane person would maim their, or anyone else’s Tree like that! Cutting off branches meant cutting out a piece of life, and was considered a deliberate, possibly deadly assault. For, just as the Trees reflected an illness in their person, the connection ran the other way as well. A branch torn away in a thunderstorm could mean paralysis in an arm, a trunk split by lightning – a heart attack or worse. And fire. Well, it was best not to think about fire. All in all, if you wanted to live a long life, it was wise to keep your Tree well watered and have the Arborist out a few times a year to check for fungus.

But there were always the psychopaths, thankfully rare but garnering a disproportionate share of time on the 10pm news hours (not really “hours” any more are they?) The bark harvesters. The mad carvers and sap-sucking, axe-wielding weirdos that made for good horror-flick plots. And the truly scary thing was the thing that nobody other than the black-dressed Goth fans of Marilyn Manson wanted to think about.

There really are those people. Out there. At night.

Carrying bright metal saws that flash in the moonlight and slice wood like a hot knife through butter.

––•––

The Reporter sat behind the wheel of her car watching the entrance to a small brownstone with mild interest. Stakeouts were the Wonder Bread of her job - plain and boring with just a hint of taste, but impossible to make a sandwich without. And this was looking to be one big ol’ Dagwood sandwich of a story – corruption, bribery and maybe a dash of extortion thrown in for good measure. Its the kind of thing that got you noticed down at the City Desk, the kind of thing Pulitzer dreams are made of.

If you could deal with the hours of stultifying boredom.

Sooner or later the bribe-taking councilman would come out and when he did, she would follow at a discreet distance. The story was almost finished, but she still needed to fit a few more pieces into the puzzle before it could run. Above, a hawk perched observantly on a light pole scanning the ground for signs of movement. A dog barked, a train whistle blew. The woman and the hawk took it all in.

Punctuating the tedium, a single sheet of paper flitted across the deserted street. She half expected to see a tumbleweed roll along behind it completing the gray, deserted cityscape - a scene that could easily have inspired Edward Hopper’s “Nighthawks” painting of a desolate diner.

Then, as if to answer her wishes, a gray Toyota pickup pulled up, parked and disgorged a small, bearish man wearing a second-hand trench coat and coke-bottle glasses who turned and shambled down the sidewalk. Every so often he would stop to inspect the plants growing in the boulevard and seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of interest in the Trees.

Not unusual, a lot of people liked to keep tabs on their neighbors’ health and activities, and the Trees, after all, were an open book of current and past events. Made interesting reading for the neighborhood busybodies. The leafy life records made it hard for kids to get away with the usual teenage activities, and made it equally difficult for the average person to commit anti-social or illegal activities. Made you think twice when you knew that an image of you losing your virginity would soon be featured for all to see in leafy glory on your Tree (and the embarrassing stuff always seemed to appear on the low-hanging, easily viewed branches.) The more hardened criminals just snipped the tell-tale leaves off, but they paid the price for such regular self-mutilation in pain and suffering – usually a deterrent, but for a certain masochistic set, a perverse incentive (the S&M crowd even hosted trimming parties, and called each other “snippers.”)

Still, the Reporter’s mild interest turned to shock when the man stopped at a honey locust in front of the councilman’s brownstone, glanced furtively from side to side and reached into his coat pocket. He produced a small pair of pruning shears, glanced around a second time, and proceeded to clip off a small twig – inserting its freshly cut end into a glass vial and returning shears and branchlet to his pocket. It was one thing to read about such things in the local counterculture rags, but another to actually witness such a mutilation.

The Reporter shook her head, unable to process the crime she had just witnessed, and was so overcome with disbelief she almost missed seeing the man bumble over and enter the door to the building’s lobby.

“That didn’t really happen,” she thought to herself, but her investigative instincts kicked in and she had the presence of mind to jot down the license number of the hobbling man’s vehicle.

––•––

“We have a problem,” the Pruner began, “that idiot down in Planning refuses to budge on the Tree allotment specs. My clients grow more displeased by the hour.”

“I don’t know what you expect me to do,” the Councilman replied, “Planning is entirely out of my purview. And even if it wasn’t, the Council will never grant a code variance to allow a development with such a small footprint allotted for the Tree garden. It would be political suicide. I’ve told you that before.”

“I refuse to believe that. I’ve shown you the studies.”

“Bullshit. Anyone can twist the science to show results they want. You just can’t plant Trees that closely together and expect them to thrive. Can’t be done. They need space and light, and your clients’ plan allows for neither. You can’t sacrifice peoples’ health just because a crowded garden puts more money in your pocket.”

“We’ve had this discussion before,” he said, “Health is a relative thing. And need I remind you that your cut comes out of that profit, the size of which is not yours to decide? You’re just not applying pressure in the proper manner.” And with that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out twig he had acquired earlier. “You’d be amazed at how peoples’ attitudes can change with the proper amount of persuasion.” He then produced a glass jar filled with clear liquid and carefully unscrewed the top. “Hydrochloric acid.” He grinned, and plunged the leaves into the jar.

“What the fuck!” the Councilman screamed and fell to the floor writhing in pain, angry red blisters erupting on his face.

“Weakling,” the Pruner hissed, “I’ll continue to handle the Planner myself. Pray that I succeed, and start calling in whatever favors you can on the Council.”

He placed the bubbling jar of withered leaves on the floor by the moaning man’s head, stepped over his body and walked out the door, chuckling.

––•––

After he had a chance to process the shock of seeing his mutilated tree, the man turned and stumbled back into his house. He stopped by the bathroom, and gulped a handful of Tylenol - the headache was going to be a bad one, but he knew as his Tree healed it would ease. He fumbled the container of capsules and dropped it, one hand barely functioning, his fingers oddly stiff and unresponsive.

Branch damage. Nerve damage.

The bastard had actually meant it, he thought and struggled to recall the anonymous phone call he’d received three days prior. Something about pushing plans through without a proper study...a development on the east end...

Then it all came back, “Play ball or else,” the caller had hissed. But for crying out loud, he was middle management. He couldn’t push a mailbox variance through Planning let alone an unorthodox project of that size and scope.

“Fucking idiot!” the Planner growled and walked into the garage, where he procured a can of fungicide from a shelf, opened the door and walked out to begin the process of healing his wounded Ash.

The Reporter watched as the odd little shuffling man emerged from the Councilman’s brownstone and immediately decided to abandon her stakeout in favor of this new and tantalizingly dangerous story. A Tree mutilator! She followed him across town to a run-down warehouse in an all but abandoned industrial park, where he exited his car and entered the building. She crossed the parking lot, sticking to the shadows looking for an opportunity to learn more. The building was in disrepair, and while none of the windows were broken, they were so covered with dust that she couldn’t see through. The woman ruefully eyed a rusty fire escape ladder that led to the roof, considered her options for a moment, and sighed. “In for a penny, in for a pound,” she told herself, and began to climb.

The ladder creaked and groaned in complaint, wobbling loosely as she ascended, loosened bits of brick and mortar raining down on her head. Ten feet from the top, the middle section of the ladder pulled free from the building with a rusty shriek and swung precariously below her feet. But she was able to scale the remaining distance and gain the rooftop just as the last anchor bolt let go and sent everything crashing to the ground.

Hearing the commotion, The Pruner looked curiously out a window, but seeing nothing returned to his task. The building was old and odd noises, clanking pipes or the occasional rat were par for the course. The entire top floor of the building was filled with Trees in large ceramic pots, each with a dangling tag that identified its rightful owner. The man walked from Tree to Tree with a large watering can, allowing each enough moisture to sustain it, but not promote growth. He wanted them (and their inter-connected owners) alive, but weakened. Occasionally he would stop and snip off a small twig – Tree and owner being in need of a reminder of just who controlled their destiny.

It was quite a profitable undertaking, each plant representing a monthly ransom payment deposited to an offshore account that changed on a bimonthly basis. As he walked, he hummed a tune in a minor key, and because human beings rarely look above their eye level, he was oblivious to the Reporter watching his every move through the skylight above.

The significance of the Trees had yet to dawn on her, although she was beginning to have suspicions. Third floor warehouse lofts weren’t the normal place for horticulturists to raise their crops, but it wasn’t unheard of either. Plenty of greenhouses were filled with ordinary trees and shrubs – not every plant in the world was connected to a corresponding human. It was a special calling.

And some people put their Trees in special nurseries if time, travel or other happenstance prevented them from caring for their own. There was a whole surrogate industry of Tree care for those who just couldn’t be bothered with the day-to-day burden of maintenance. And although most people still wanted the connection, the intimacy of caring for their Tree – the comforting ritual of filing the fallen leaves, more and more were abandoning the duty to paid minions, too busy in their interconnected, electronic world to care for another living thing, which in reality, meant too busy to care for themselves.

Hauling water to the Trees was hard work, and soon the overheated Pruner removed his shirt, draping it over a nearby branch. From her vantage point above, the incredulous Reporter gasped at what she saw. The man’s body was covered with protruding bumps and lumps, but even more horrifying were the bits and pieces of anatomy growing out at odd angles from his skin. Near his waist, a partially formed hand protruded, fingers writhing, constantly grasping at the air. Near his left shoulder, a distorted mouth struggled to form words, its broken and misshapen teeth chattering and grinding in a most sickening way. Scattered about his chest and stomach were several ears, and on his right bicep a yellowed and sclerous eye blinked and rolled blindly from side to side, tears running down his forearm. The man scratched absentmindedly at a red welt on his neck where a new part squirmed as it struggled to emerge, then reached in his pocket and produced a clipper with which he began to trim the nails of three toes wiggling on his right shoulder.

“All part of the process” the Pruner thought, unperturbed, as he stood at last before his own Tree, the only healthy and well-watered one in the building. “Healthy” was a relative term, the tree was a mishmash of grafted branches from a variety of different Trees the man was holding captive. He could feel the power as he added each new addition, here a small branch from the Banker’s Tree, there a twig from the sniveling little Accountant who lived above the neighborhood bar and was forced to cook his books.

As he carefully studied the numerous grafts, it slowly began to dawn on the Reporter that the man’s deformities were directly tied to the foreign additions to his Tree. What she didn’t know, was that the grafted bits and pieces gave the Pruner an intimate knowledge of his victims, more effective in some cases than others, depending on which part of the anatomy the branch identified with. His growing number of miscellaneous body additions were painful, aching necessities, well worth the power he gained. They gave him insight into people’s lives, he could almost read their minds as they became part of him, and through their ransomed Trees’ grafts, be controlled by him. He could see through their eyes, hear snatches of their conversations, feel their pain and joy. Taste their food and dream their dreams.

But what he didn’t realize was that the new parts were beginning to get the upper hand, clamoring ever more loudly for space in his brain, dozens of voices screaming in agony.

And it was slowing driving him insane.

––•––

As the Planner finished bandaging the ragged stumps of his missing branches he thought back through the last few months, searching for someone who might bear him ill will. One of his many abilities that enabled him to be a good planner was his nearly photographic memory. He could remember in detail waitress names from every restaurant he’d ever visited, his grade school report cards and the faces of every person he’d ever met at a party. As he turned the pages in his brain, flipping back day by day, a flood of images popped up. The old lady with a flowered print dress buying cantaloupes at the grocery store...she’d stormed off in a snit after he had selected the melon she apparently wanted, but he doubted she was his assailant. Teenagers at the gas station. The bass on their CD player was so loud the lenses in his sunglasses vibrated. Safe to rule them out as well, they were being obnoxious mainly because it was in their “teenager” job description.

Ah, but what’s this? A gray Toyota pickup parked across the street from his house, and the odd-looking operator behind the wheel who seemed to be paying an inordinate amount of interest to his Tree. He hadn’t thought twice about it at the time, but recent events threw up a red flag.

And then, suddenly, as he reflected on his memories an image flashed into his mind. Clear as day, he saw the warehouse followed by a crystal-clear vision of the Tree-filled third floor. He was overcome by an accompanying black cloud of rage - the emotion communicated so strongly it made him reel. He heard a chorus of babbling voices crying out in confusion and despair. The cacophony triggered a rotoscope of rapidly shifting scenes - workers paving a street, a dinner spread on a table, a cat sleeping peacefully on a lap, his own living room. Although he couldn’t know, he was seeing through the eyes of victims channeled by their common link, the Pruner’s multi-grafted Tree.

And then, just as suddenly as it came, the vision was gone, leaving the man on his knees, dizzy and overwhelmed.

“I’ve seen that warehouse before,” the Planner panted. He crawled over to his drafting room table where the latest requests for development lay spread for review. In a manila envelope containing the paperwork for the project with the inadequate Tree Garden he found an 8” x 10” glossy aerial photo of the property site. The warehouse stood front and center.

I’ve got you now, my friend,” he grinned and walked out the door.

––•––

On the warehouse rooftop the Reporter was searching for a way down, cursing the rusted ladder that had marooned her. She walked the perimeter, but finding no escape returned to her vigil at the skylight.

In the room below the misshapen man was pasting fallen leaves from his Tree into a large scrapbook while making meticulous notes by each. He continued this task for forty minutes, closed the book and placed it on a shelf lined with a dozen similar books. He then donned a jacket, made a cursory inspection of his surroundings and left, locking the door behind him.

The Reporter tried her cell phone again. No luck; the warehouse’s desolate location was miles away from the nearest cell tower. She then noticed a coil of electrical wire propped up next to an exhaust vent – probably left over from some forgotten construction project. The woman sat and pondered the wire for a moment, then walked over to the half-wall surrounding the rooftop. The building was in a sad state of disrepair and she soon found a loose brick which she was able to pry free with a minimum amount of effort. Returning to the skylight, she tossed it through one of the large panes of glass and then carefully cleaned the jagged edges and loose shards away from the edges. Looping the electrical wire around a protruding vent, she twisted the loose end of the wire around itself several times, pulling on it to make sure it was secure. She then dropped the remaining coil of wire through the broken window where it spiralled down to the floor below. The Reporter wrapped the wire around her back and up through her legs then cautiously backed up to the skylight and dropped through. The wire was much stiffer than a rappelling rope, which slowed her descent enough that she was able to make it down with little more than mild friction burns on her hands.

She had landed near the Pruners’ Tree and spent a few minutes inspecting the scenes on its leaves – childhood images that were quite normal, images from his later life that decidedly weren’t. She then turned her attention to the scrapbooks the man had been working on, and was soon engrossed in what she found documented there. Life Leaves and newspaper clippings along with meticulous paragraphs of handwritten notes told his tragic story.

Years earlier, he had been married to a lovely young lady – she of the golden hair and Mona Lisa smile – and he himself was quite the dashing young man. The Reporter had a bit of trouble reconciling the pictures with the twisted lump he had become, but there was no doubt it was the same fellow she had just been spying on. Here was an article with photos of their wedding, there were honeymoon leaves, weathered but still legible – the two of them at the Grand Canyon. A few years later in the desert surrounded by Saguaros. Dinner with friends.

The man was a brilliant botanist, showered with accolades from his peers. The two of them had been madly in love, so the Reporter had been only mildly surprised to read that he had intertwined his and his new wife’s Trees, grafting them together in an ultimate symbol of twisted togetherness and shared destiny. Soon they discovered they were sharing each other’s emotions, and as time passed, even each other’s thoughts. The Reporter didn’t think she could bear such a continuous union, but from the man’s writing he, at least, seemed deliriously happy.

Then, five years into their marriage, and halfway through the third scrapbook, disaster struck. Newspaper clippings documented her death by drowning, an accidental fall from a hiking trail to the fast water of a river below. The man had felt her terror as she slipped beneath the water.

His psychological damage and emotional devastation were compounded by the fact that their Trees had grown so closely together. And though the Tree surgeons had acted quickly lest her dying Tree would kill his as well, the operation was severe. Huge sections of his Tree’s trunk had to be sacrificed as the two plants were separated, intertwined branches were cut away. And some sections were impossible to remove, leaving pieces of his wife’s dead Tree forever embedded in his. Scars where bark had been stripped away were left open to the air, leaves and memories fell like rain.

From that moment on, the man’s notes became rambling and disjointed, but flashes of the brilliant botanist occasionally shone through. He tried to save himself by treating his Tree with the latest organi-chemicals and healing poultices, but the damage was deep and things deteriorated.

His body too was showing the ravages of his wounded Tree. He was barely able to walk or lift his paralyzed left arm. His eyesight was completely gone in one eye and his hearing severely diminished. He was in constant agony from a multitude of minor ailments.

And so it was that he desperately turned to a campaign of grafting stolen bits and pieces of other peoples’ Trees onto his own to repair the damage, an effort that seemed successful at first. But, gradually his writing became ever more disjointed. For it seemed that while the grafted parts may have healed the Tree’s physical wounds, the connection to their people began to work their way into his subconscious. Toward the end of the last scrapbook his leaves became increasingly deformed and his writing seemed to come from a dozen different voices. Even more disturbing was the increasing pleasure he seemed to be taking from his victims’s distress. He was beginning to relish the pain they felt, as if it validated his own wounds.

The last few pages were barely legible.

The Reporter replaced the book on the shelf and sat down, shuddering. Morning light shone through the windows, she had spent the entire night engrossed in the scrapbooks.

Suddenly, the woman was jolted out of her reverie by the clack-skritch-squeal of the door being unlocked and opened. The man was returning! She looked around the room in panic and seeing no escape dove behind the planter of the nearest Tree. Staying low to the ground, she peered around its edge.

The Pruner backed through the entrance struggling to drag a heavy carpet...no! The body of a man! It was obviously a difficult task for him, and when he had finally made it past the threshold he slumped to the floor, wheezing. Grinding and scratching noises emanated from beneath his shirt which wriggled and heaved in a dozen different places.

“You shouldn’t have come here, you idiot Planner,” he growled at the unconscious man who he then dragged over to a column and bound tightly. When he was done, he fetched a watering can and poured it over his captive’s head. The man coughed, sputtered and opened his eyes regarding the Pruner with confusion.

Ten feet behind the pair, the Reporter was alarmed to see the electrical wire dangling from the broken skylight, but the Pruner was too busy with his task at hand to give it any notice. “Why didn’t you play ball with me when you had the chance?” he hissed, nose to nose with the Planner. On his forehead an emerging fingertip twitched back and forth accusingly. “A simple variance in code was all I asked. Now, I’m afraid the measures will have to be more severe.”

He stumbled across the room and returned with a gas can and a bucket which he set on the large concrete pot holding his Tree. He filled the bucket with gasoline, clambered laboriously up to the Tree and grasped a limb.

“This is your branch, my obstinate friend,” he said, and ripped it away from the trunk.

“Aaugh!” the Planner grunted, but the pruner also cried out in pain, clasping a hand to his forehead. I trickle of blood ran out from under his fingers. “Hadn’t thought of that,” he said. “No matter, my pain will be nothing compared to what I have in mind for you.” And then his head twitched, and he looked around feverishly from side to side clasping his hands over his ears. “I can’t!” he shouted, “I can’t stop – leave me alone. Be quiet! You’ll see. It’s the only way!”

The man leapt to the floor, dipped the branch in the gasoline and produced a lighter from his pocket. A shrill squeal came from his back as the Pruner flicked it to life. “You’ll see,” he said, “it’s the only way.” But he hesitated, briefly puzzled, for when he looked up he saw the cord dangling from the skylight.

“Nooo!” the Reporter screamed, and leapt from her hiding place. Running as hard as she could, she threw her full weight behind her shoulder, which she planted in the surprised man’s chest.

A normal man may have shrugged off her assault with ease – she weighed one hundred and four dripping wet – but the Pruner’s coordination had been badly compromised by the many additions his body bore. He lost his balance, stumbling backwards out of control. Arms flailing, the lighter flew out of his grasp.

The man’s body crashed against the planter knocking the bucket of gas over, flammable liquid pouring into the container. All three people in the room watched in horror as the lighter spun in the air, seemingly in slow motion and fell into the Tree’s pot.

Whooompf! The puddle of petroleum ignited in a fireball that instantly consumed the Tree. Leaves crackled and burned, shriveling into ash which spiralled up towards the broken skylight on a column of hot air. Sparks drifted about the room like so many singed butterflies.

On the floor, the Pruner cried out in a dozen voices, tearing his shirt off in a vain effort to ease his agony. The fingers of his extra hand scratched and grasped at his skin, the mouth on his shoulder frozen open in a silent scream.

Bumps quivered all across the mans body as his skin went bright red, and then a sickening shade of black. His feet drummed against the floor for a minute and then he collapsed, drawing a few labored breaths before he stopped breathing. The grafted appendages continued to writhe and gnash for a minute more and the mercifully, all was still.

All across the city, a select group of citizens simultaneously cried out and clenched various parts of their anatomy as the sharp jolt and scorch of their grafted, burning branches was transferred. The hospital emergency room would be busy tonight, but their days of terror were actually at an end.

Thinking quickly, the Reporter scooped up the Planner’s broken branch, washed it clean with water from the watering can, and placed its ragged end in the water. She then untied the grateful man from the column.

“Why?” was all he could say.

––•––

Months later, the Planner and Reporter returned to the warehouse and sat in the reviewing stands as the Mayor depressed a plunger that detonated explosive charges which brought the warehouse tumbling down. A new project was replacing the building, but not the one the Pruner and his cohorts had imagined.

In its place would rise a center dedicated to healing people whose trees had suffered storm damage. They applauded as a young girl with a shriveled arm turned the first spadeful of earth, dropping the dirt into a waiting clay pot. A young mother, baby in arms, stepped forward and placed a seedling in the pot, smoothing the dirt around its roots.

She smiled down at the child and the Tree, and kissed each, wishing them health and happiness on the start of their shared journey.

As the people left the ceremony, a steady rain began to fall. In a world where people and plants were so intimately connected, it was the ultimate sign of good luck.

Rock Me, Baby

Been a while since I wrote on this blog, and I’m thinking, perhaps I should explain. This was never intended to be a day to day account of my life as some blogs are, but rather an outlet for my creative writing, and my writing suffers whenever I do. In other words, due to the nature of my circumstances I haven’t felt very creative lately. But sometimes it helps the soul to write, and this is one of those times.

I’m moving in less than a month, and this time its more traumatic than any of my dozen or so previous moves (I changed addresses 10 times in 10 years when I first came to “the Cities”), mostly because its not by choice. If I could, I’d stay in Bryn Mawr, my home for the last 15 or more years...a neighborhood that has hosted the first half of my daughters’ childhoods and has been my spiritual as well as physical home. This small section of Minneapolis feels a lot like my hometown, a small burg with a real sense of community, a place like “Cheers” where everybody knows your name. A place close to nature, a place full of nurture. I’ve lived all over the metro area, from Plymouth to St. Paul and everywhere in between, and nowhere has felt as welcoming as this little patch of real estate east of Wirth Park.

But, its not to be. there’s a price to pay to live here...the few houses that are for sale are out of my price range, generally $75-100,000 more than the same (or even nicer) house only a couple miles away in the next ring of suburbs, so move it is. I’ll miss the people, although I’ll stay as connected as I can and visit often. After all, I’ll only be a couple miles and an easy bike ride away. Its not like I’m moving to Fargo.

There are plenty of other things I’ll miss as well, and strangely enough one of them will be the rocks in my back yard. But then, these rocks are more than your ordinary hunks of granite and basalt, they’re a direct link to my past. Many of them come from the fields of my parents’ farm, where it was a spring ritual to “pick rocks” before the planting season. You had to get them out lest they be ingested by the combine during harvest which would wreak havoc on the machinery - creating an expensive and time consuming delay, right when you’re racing the calendar to get the fields cleared before the snow flies. And every year, there were always new rocks to find, no matter how diligent you had been collecting them the previous season. A never ending supply lies buried in the glacial soil of southern Minnesota. Pick those rocks, throw them on the wagon and haul them to the nearest rock pile. A backbreaking bit of labor.

And there they stayed, until I bought my first home on Queen Avenue, and brought a fair number north to become landscaping around a backyard pond. When I moved to Vincent Avenue, the buyers of my previous house didn’t want the pond, so the rocks followed me westward and now reside happily by another pond.


Over the years, they’ve been joined by their brothers from the north shore, fossils from Montana and stones from any other location where it was feasible to return with a trunk full of boulders. There are pebbles from Guatemala and New Mexico and coral from Key West mixed in as well. At times, I feel like Sisyphus, who in Greek mythology was condemned to forever roll a rock up a hill, never quite making it to the top. I’ve been dragging these rocks around the face of the Earth for the better part of my life.

Until now. They won’t make the move with me - I’ll have to start over with new rocks - a fitting metaphor for my life.

There are plenty more where these came from, I’ll never want for rocks. Its the rest of my life’s connections I’m thinking of. The older I get, the harder it becomes to roll that rock up the hill.

Woojie's Talent

The year my brother graduated from college, we moved together to a duplex on France Avenue. Among the many stories I could tell of that time, this one is the funniest, maybe even THE funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

I had a little mutt of a dog I’d named Woojie, a spritzy haired, goofy little guy who had the misfortune to be born with only half his allotment of brains. And since most dogs only have half a brain to start with, that left him two doors down from nothing. He was a basically untrainable, soap-eating, flea-hosting, curtain-shredding little ball of mischief. A canine almost totally without mental ability or talent - with two key exceptions.

He loved to play fetch, and could grab a frisbee out of the air five feet off the ground.

And he could shit. Oh, my god, he could shit. Twice his body weight, three times a day. It wasn’t totally his fault, we bought the cheapest dog chow we could find, probably packed with filler, and his digestive system excelled at doubling the volume before it came back out.

This story takes place about a week before the fourth of July, as fine a summer day as you could ask for. Beautiful, hot weather, not a cloud in the sky and a perfect time to take the dog for a walk. We had made it about three steps out the door when the Wooj assumed the classic dog squat and laid down his first steaming pile, roughly the size of a gopher mound. Soon we’d have two more stops with two more piles of equally impressive dimensions, and it was on the third stop that inspiration struck.

Brother Dale reached in his pocket and withdrew a firecracker, and as soon as he did, we both knew where it was going. Easier to blow the rancid crap up than scoop it into a bag and lug it on home. So, with a devious grin he inserted the gunpowder packed cylinder into the dog poop and withdrew a lighter.

Now, these particular firecrackers had been giving us fits all week long. They were manufactured with defective fuses that absolutely refused to burn. You had to light the darn things four or five times, as each time they would spark and fizzle, burn a fraction of an inch and then die. Every cracker. Fizzle and die. Fizzle and die. But when he went to light this fuse, the flame literally leapt from the lighter, jumping five inches onto the fuse and burning instantly down in the blink of an eye.

Fzzzt. BLAM!

Dale, wide-eyed in disbelief, barely had time to register the unlikely event and start to turn away from the oncoming tsunami. The firecracker, which was the one explosive in the entire pack of one hundred that would actually explode, did so with the energy of ten of its brothers, atomizing the pile of dog poop into a fine mist which completely coated my sibling from head to foot. Not a speck remained on the sidewalk, and 99.7 percent of the flying matter found its target, a ratio any Air Force bomber would envy.

I took it all in for a glorious half-second, and then started breaking up. It was the perfect storm of dog, poop and recalcitrant fireworks.

I still haven’t stopped laughing.

What Are The Odds?

Today, as I was making breakfast an unusual thing happened, and although it may seem minor to you, I guess it shows how boring my life has been lately that I noticed it at all. I dropped a Tupperware® lid with pancake batter all over it and it landed batter side up!

Now, any student of life knows that statisticians would put the odds of such an occurrence at 50/50, but you and I know the probability of a batter-side down landing are much closer to a guaranteed, unassailable 100 percent – Murphy’s Law being firmly in control of such events. Have any of you ever fumbled a piece of jelly-coated toast and not have it end up stuck to your shoe after smearing a crimson trail of raspberry goo all over your white shirt and slacks on the way down? Four minutes before a possibly life-altering job interview?

Speaking of job interviews, one time I was proudly displaying my portfolio of work to a potential employer, when, as I flipped the page a corner caught my eye and scratched my cornea. Probability of that happening? Once in a lifetime, but that was my “once.” I finished the interview with a hand clasped over my madly tearing eye, putting on the best face that I could, but for some reason I never got a call back. People who can’t even turn a page without sustaining grievous bodily injury don’t make the most appealing candidates for employment, I guess.

But, my all-time example of beating the odds, an event so astounding that it remains burned in my memory crystal-clear a quarter of a century later, occurred at a friend’s bachelor party. You may not believe it could even happen, but I’ve got photos and a score of half-drunken eyewitnesses to back me up. The usual mayhem was going on at a typical stag party the night before the big event. There was much consumption of substances designed to negatively affect performance by many young men in their early 30s who, being confident of their own immortality, were determined to ingest mass quantities of said substances. The funniest thing we did that night was rearrange all the photos in the living room (the groom was still living with his parents) knowing our friend would never notice, but there would be a lot of “splaining” to do the second his mother walked into the room.

But I digress.

The Set-up:

Getting back to “the Event” as I call it...On the fireplace mantle sat a full bottle of beer. Behind the beer was a photo or piece of cardboard of some kind (details are a bit fuzzy.) It was a beautiful summer night and the windows were open. Suddenly a breeze whooshes through the room, blowing the picture and beer bottle off the mantle.

The Miracle:

The beer bottle fell four feet and landed upside-down on the stone hearth below, where it did not shatter, hardly spilled a drop of beer, did not tip over, didn’t even foam that much. It just sat there. An inverted glass bottle half full of beer, laughing at us mortals who were staring in slack-jawed amazement at its wonderful impossibility.

Moses parting the Red Sea probably had the same effect on the Israelites...“WTF, Mesheklabob! Did you just SEE that?”

The Rule-Breaker

One hot July in the summer after I graduated from high school I didn’t have anything to do, so I decided to drive over to church camp for a day. I was raised Baptist, and thank God my parents weren’t that strict, because Baptists generally have a prohibition on anything that even remotely resembles fun. No drinking. No smoking. No going to movies, playing cards, dancing, listening to rock music or doing anything other than sitting in a corner reading the Bible. And you probably couldn’t even do that unless you were fully clothed. The joke was, “Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up? Because they’re afraid someone will see them and think they’re dancing.”

But I liked going to Bible camp, because I saw friends that I never saw any other time of the year, and because the camp had a speedboat to water ski behind. I didn’t know anyone with a boat. Nearest lake to my hometown was only about the size of a hockey rink. And the sermons and bible studies didn’t bother me that much...you just learn to zone ’em out and daydream about drinking, and dancing, and sex.

So off I went...It was “Family Camp” that week, which meant you could go for a day if you wanted, and so, even though it was a 120 mile drive, that was my plan, drive over, ski a little, drive back. But my plans got sidetracked when I got there because of "Jessie".

Jessie Knotts.

She had a brother I hung around with named Donny. (Don Knotts, get it? We all thought that was SO funny). But he wasn’t there and she was. And she was cute. Major league cute. And, holy shit, she was sunburned. Not just a little pink, she was RED from stem to stern. I knew, because she was wearing a (gasp!) bikini, which was WAY, WAY, WAY against every Baptist swimsuit regulation dating back to the Crusades!

Whoa! A rule-breaker! A female close to my heart, and definitely one I had to meet. We hit it off immediately, and spent the day together. I sat “next” to her during evening services. I put quotation marks around “next” because one of the seven unbreakable rules of Baptist Camp was that boys and girls had to maintain a 6-inch gap of separation between their bodies at all times. Thus promoting chastity and purity of thought, which was B.S., of course. And, that joke was you could still fuck if your dick was longer than 6 inches, you just couldn’t put it in all the way.

Evening came, and I had to leave. I’d only planned on staying the day and didn’t have any other clothes, or sleeping gear or a place to sleep, for that matter. But you could bet your ass I was coming back the next day. Jessie was way too hot to leave alone. And it was only 120 miles.

One way.

And come back I did. That afternoon we broke another of the seven rules and left camp together to “go for a ride” which of course meant “go parking”.

Parking was code for “find a deserted road, and at the very minimum, burn a little lip.” And we found the greatest road ever, with a driveway that went into a cornfield, which was like the Holy Grail of parking spots. Not even passing traffic could see what we were about to do.

Which was break a few Commandments. Jessie was a rule-breaker, all right.

It wasn’t as easy as it should have been. For one thing, I was driving a 1967 Mustang, and the back seat had less room than your average sized coffin. For another thing, it was 90 degrees out, making for more sweat than could have been generated by ten "Body Heat" movies. And, of course, Jessie had that world class sunburn, which made for some really eye-popping tan lines that just emphasized all the parts that I was interested in. But that just meant that she got to be on top, and I had to be careful where and what I grabbed.

Oh, my. It was spectacular. We did it like bunnies for more than an hour (which, for me, in those days was about 60-plus minutes more than average) and I was about the proudest I’d ever been in my life.

Afterward, we snuck back into camp and sat the requisite 6 inches apart at chapel. Nobody asked where we’d been, and I left for home with a song in my heart.

A rock-n-roll song.

Leaves And Losses

Every time I go home (and by “home” I mean the farm where I grew up – even though I’ve now lived away from “home” twice as long as I lived there) I’m saddened by the blank space now occupying the area where a giant maple tree once stood. It’s more than a hole in the ground, it’s a hole in my heart.

There were two trees actually – one on the north, and one on the south side of the house, and both were immense. The smaller tree on the south actually lived longer–it was a tenacious son-of-a-bitch–standing for years after being split in two by a bolt of lightning. Defying all odds or logic, the surviving side stood like a sentinel by the driveway, a scrawny, matchstick half-tree, leaning precariously to the east, its shattered sliver of a trunk stubbornly refusing to acknowledge reality or gravity and fall down. For five or six years it stood there, and every time I saw it I thought, “A good, stiff fart should blow that tree over.” But through hell and high water, it never did.

Until one day I came home and it was gone.

The tree on the north was at one time the largest sugar maple in the state (we had it measured and listed in the DNR’S Big Tree Registry) with a circumference around its trunk of over ten feet, it stood 90 feet high with a crown spread of some 80 feet. It was a giant. And home to one heck of a tree house.

Its enormous limbs stretched out nearly parallel to the ground making for some great climbing...you could actually run along them. And from them, a boy could jump onto the roof of the house or garage (although you couldn’t get back again). Amazingly enough, although there were opportunities galore, I don’t ever remember anyone falling out of that tree. Its spirit enveloped and protected us (and laughed with us as we spun ourselves silly on its swing).

One summer day, I was sitting on the deck when my dog began to growl. Curious, I walked over to look around the corner of the house to see what was causing his distress. Nothing looked amiss, but I could hear a crackling sound like someone walking through dry leaves – odd, because it was mid July and the nearest dry leaf was somewhere in the Sonoran Desert – when with a mighty CRACK! one of the main branches tore loose from the tree, limbs and leaves crashing down around me. As it fell, it clipped the corner of the house sending a seismic shudder through the structure, and in a rather telling comment on my accident-prone nature as a youth, my mother’s first reaction was to look up from her book and say, “What on earth did Joe do now?”

It was the beginning of the end, the tree was shot through with rot. And although my dad tried to remove the remaining branches that threatened the buildings and leave the rest, the damage to the mighty tree’s soul was too severe. It too, was gone within a year, another erased and yellowing page in the ledger of my life that used to be written full of laughter, pirate fights, secret meetings and pre-teen espionage.

Sigh.

George Harrison said it best. All things must pass.

But that doesn’t make it any easier to see that empty spot in the lawn.

The Girl Who Loves Carmex

Winters in Minnesota can be rough on a person, and I’m not talking about the 25-below zero temperatures, or the glare-ice coated streets or even the eleventy-hundred days in a row that we go without seeing the sun. No, the real problem that we all face from October to April is the almost total lack of humidity in our air. Oh, yeah. Its drier than a popcorn fart around here and it really takes its toll on our furniture, our musical instruments, our skin and our lips.

Especially our poor, tired, chapped lips.

But in our war on dessication we have a powerful ally. A fount of hydration, a magical moisturizer - a balm for the ages.

I’m talking, of course, about Carmex. Carmex. Carmex! Even the name has a lyrical, orgasmic quality as it rolls off my tongue, and sometimes I can’t stop myself from saying it. Over and over. Carmex!! Oh, that was sooo good! Its like a mantra, and often I’ll mutter it continually at night until I fall asleep and dream the dreams of the satiated - my smooth, supple lips smacking in satisfaction.

In Minneapolis, no one knows the way of the small white jar with the yellow lid better than my friend Maralee, who worships the waxy gel. Maybe a little too much, in my opinion. She keeps it in her purse. She has a tube on the night stand by her bed. She has jars stashed in secret locations throughout her house, and she even keeps a container in her mailbox in case she feels parched while fetching her letters. Whenever she goes shopping, she plots her route in such a way that she will never be farther than two miles from a drugstore or Target. Because, as we all know, sometimes those little containers of bliss run out.

And then what the hell do you do?

Panic. That’s what. And today, that’s exactly what’s happening. Look. Across the street, on the corner by the post office, standing under the billboard announcing Cub Foods’ low, low prices on rutabagas. It’s Maralee, frantically digging through her purse, her pockets all turned out, her eyes shot through with desperation. Her heart is racing, her palms are sweating. And, as she keeps licking her lips in a frenetic attempt to stave off the advancing chafe, you can almost hear her inner voice crying out in fear, “Why me? Oh, God, why me! What did I ever do to deserve this?!”

She thrusts the depleted container of moisturizer skyward in one clenched fist and falls to her knees sobbing. Passers-by are starting to avert their eyes and shift to the other side of the street. In Minnesota, its not polite to stare at the less fortunate, and certainly not the ones with chapped lips. We’ve all been there, but that doesn’t mean we want to pick that scab and let it bleed.

Better to ignore. Maybe the Salvation Army can help. Move along - nothing to see here.

And then, when all hope looks lost—when it seems that the dark night of dehydration will wash over the girl and suck the very will to live from her dry and dusty body, a little old lady with a tasteful bag purchased at a Kohl’s 50% off sale walks over and kneels at her side.

“Here, dear,” she offers kindly, “take mine. I have another.”

And she places a small cylinder of Carmex in Maralee’s hand and walks on without looking back.

“So sad,” she whispers to herself. “So sad.”

The Window

A Not-So-Short Story

It’s night on the other side of the Window, and I’ve never seen that before. Somewhere a mourning dove cries her sad story of lost love, a haunting song that drifts through the night and lands softly on the sill, ruffling the curtains and cooling the room. A dog barks determinedly in the distance and I can feel the faint rumble of thunder echoing across some long forgotten plain like a discontented dream. The stars are out, shining in unfamiliar constellations – southern hemisphere, would be my guess. It could be a whole ’nother world for all I know, I was never that good at mapping the night sky. I can usually find the Big Dipper, but Orion or Pisces or or anything other than the moon remains a celestial mystery. They all look like shiny points of random light to me. Still, there’s something slightly off about these particular stars, though I’ll be damned if I can say exactly what it is.

But that’s the way it’s been lately.

Never quite real, never quite solid.

I walk to the Window (taking care to avoid the dead cat) and look out at the current version of the world. Everything’s changed and nothing’s changed. It’s still my building, of course. It’s always my building. My room is on the 19th of 27 floors, number 1956 to be exact. In fact, they’re all number 1956. Sixty doors in my hallway, every one displaying the same shiny brass number. 27 buttons on the elevator, and you guessed it, every floor is number 19. But more about that later. Right now I want to survey the landscape, because I still haven’t given up hope that there might be someone out there.

I can see quite a distance from 19 stories up. Today, the Outside features a fairly large city with gently rolling hills humping across the horizon a couple of miles away. A river runs kitty-corner through a park seven blocks to my right, and there are swing sets and a jungle gym next to a softball diamond. As I watch, a dust devil twirls erratically across the infield, stirring up memories of sweaty summer games and sweeping Baby Ruth wrappers under the bleachers; a pint-sized tornado wanna-be. The houses look about 1920’s vintage, a lot of story-and-a-half working class residences, nicely painted with freshly manicured lawns and well-kept gardens. I can make out the main street, looks like three blocks long with a handful of one and two-story buildings squatting along the sidewalk like so many brick and mortar sumo wrestlers. They’re too far away to tell what businesses occupy
the storefronts but they look like your run-of-the-mill hardware, grocery and dry goods stores with maybe a bank or two thrown in for good measure. Cars are parked sporadically along my street, but
I can’t discern makes or models because they’re not quite like any cars I’ve ever seen before, and their colors aren’t quite like any colors I’ve seen before. I can’t put it into words, how do you describe a color that isn’t?

Mostly though, I see the emptiness.

In a city that should boast a population of seven or eight thousand people, the only thing moving is the wind-blown litter. The houses are all dark, almost as if the night sky had drained down their chimneys and covered their lamps with a velvety blanket of ink. I’ve watched, ’cause all I can do is watch, but I’ve yet to catch a glimpse of another living soul. And even though I’ve heard dogs bark and cats yowl and owls hoot, I’ve never actually seen them. Never seen that mourning dove either.

So, tell me this. Who is it that’s emptying the garbage cans and cleaning up the fallen branches after the storms? Who moves the cars to new parking spaces while I’m not looking?

They’re there, but they’re not.

All right, I’ve seen enough. I know better than to do anything futile like scream at the streets. When I first arrived, I did enough shouting and crying and banging on walls to last for the rest of my life, and all it got me was a three day case of laryngitis and a throbbing set of bloody knuckles. If people are out there, they sure as hell don’t want to talk to me.

Their loss.

’Cause I’m a damn fine conversationalist.

OK, let’s see what’s in the refrigerator, anybody here want a beer? That’s an inside joke, I say that’s a joke, son. I know what’s in the refrigerator. The same thing that was in the refrigerator the last two hundred times I looked. A Braunschweiger sandwich, a Tupperware container full of parsnips, a can of Fresca and a tin of pickled herring. Whoever’s running this joint has got one twisted sense of humor. The fascinating thing is, if I take the Fresca out and drink it, the next time I open the ’fridge, it’s been replaced by a brand new can. Same goes for the rest of the food. I apparently have stumbled onto a self-replenishing lifetime supply of parsnips and pickled herring and who wouldn’t be thrilled about good fortune like that?

Now, if you think that sounds like a little slice of Heaven, let’s take a look at the rest of the palace. My room is exactly twelve feet by thirteen feet (I know, because I measured it with my own feet) and is a showcase of understated design. The aforementioned refrigerator occupies a place of honor in one corner, diagonally across the room from a lovely paisley sofa bed. That’s the tour folks, my world in a nutshell. Oh, sorry, I forgot. Through door number one, we have the bathroom. One toilet, one sink, one shower, and the seemingly obligatory supply of self-replenishing toothpaste and toilet paper. I think the pièce de résistance, though, would have to be the painting on the living room wall. A true French masterpiece. That is, if the French Masters ever painted dogs playing poker.

Directly opposite the Window lies door number two, and this is where the real weirdness begins.

Follow me into the hall, if you will. My building is constructed in a square shape, probably with a courtyard in the center, although I can’t say for sure. Along the four hallways (for the sake of argument we’ll call them north, south, east and west) are an equal number of rooms. Eight on the outside wall, seven on the inside, and an elevator centered on the inside of each hall.

Let’s take that elevator. The interior is mirrored on three sides, which gives the interesting effect of thousands of images of me ever diminishing into infinity. Sometimes I get a little flash of someone, or something else sharing the space with me. Always out of the corner of my eye, always forty or fifty reflections in. Never anything concrete, always on the edge of reality.

I think the elevator, with its endless levels of reflections is a metaphor for this whole
damn place.

As I mentioned before, the panel looks like this.

I’ve started to conduct a systematic search of every room on every floor, and have x-ed off the floors I think I have finished. That’s 360 rooms so far, and another sixteen on the next “19” floor in the series. This hasn’t been as easy as you might think. I enter the elevator and press the “19” button third from the bottom in the left hand row. The doors close, the elevator seems to drop and the buttons illuminate in descending order. When I get off the elevator the hall looks exactly like the hall I just left. Exiting, I turn left and choose the seventeenth door on my left hand side.

Number 1956, naturally.

Now the magic happens.

My key works in every door, and when I enter the room, it’s my room. They’re all my room. I’m now back on the 19th floor (the one I’ve marked with an arrow) and the room is exactly as I left it, shirt on the floor, half-consumed Fresca by the chair...whatever. To return to the floor I just left, I’ll have to go back down the hall, take the elevator to the third left “19” floor, and repeat the whole process. Now you know why only six floors are x-ed off – the bleepin’ elevators in this place are so slow they make John Goodman look like an Olympic sprinter.

So, if every door leads to an exact duplicate of what I’ll call the Master Room does that mean there are 1620 versions of me in this building? If I open the door and throw my shirt out, do 1620 doors open and 1620 shirts sail into the hall?

The answer is no, and here is my theory. There obviously are other rooms, but none so far that I can enter. Although I can see one entire side of the building with 216 separate windows when I look Outside, on the Inside the doorways seem to operate as some kind of portal to the Master Room, always bringing me home as I cross the threshold. It makes for some major league weirdness. If leave my door open, walk across the hall and open the door directly across from mine, I can look through both doors and see two identical rooms with two identical views out two identical Windows.

Therein lies the trap, but it also just might be the means of my salvation.

If you can have one portal, might you also have two?

I have no memory of time prior to waking up here some 20 odd days (emphasis on the word odd) ago. It’s as if my mind is one of those magic slates that kids play with and someone has lifted the writing sheet and erased my life. But, somehow I came to be in the Room, so it stands to reason that somehow I can get out. Starting tomorrow, I’ll begin the process of walking through every door in
the building.

Because maybe one is the way home.

I return to my Room to prepare for the search and flop down on the sofa while cracking open a nice, cold Fresca. I’m pretty sure my mind is beginning to rot away, because God help me, this stuff is starting to taste pretty good. When I look through the Window I see mountains. Outside, snow is falling in thick curtains of icy whiteness, and all traces of civilization have disappeared. This would be a heck of a place for a ski resort, the slopes are glistening powder, and the air is crisp and clean. I lean out and catch a few flakes on my tongue, and nothing has ever tasted so pure and sweet. As my breath paints dancing clouds that swirl off with the wind, I swear I can hear a baby crying.

I won’t bore you with the details of the search. Suffice it to say that I walked through every blessed door of 1,243 rooms, and every time I ended up right back where I started. Figuring it took me six minutes for each trip, and I worked ten hour days, this tour of the joint ate up nearly two weeks of my precious time.

1,243 times I walked into a room and was greeted by the smell of Braunschweiger and parsnips.

Ah, but it’s the 1,244th door makes the story.

The last door I opened was actually on a mid-level floor, ’cause I got bored and started mixing up the order. I’d long since given up any hope that anything would happen, but kept on going just for the satisfaction of completing the task. “Anything worth doing is worth doing right,” my fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Apold would say right before whipping an eraser at Mike Wilkemeyer who was sleeping in the back row. And since the alternative was lounging around my room holding conversations with myself, what did I have to lose?

So, imagine my surprise when I opened that last door and gazed into a completely different room. I about passed out from the shock. The walls were pink instead of light green. The floor had a dingy orange carpet instead of checkerboard tiles, and in place of my beloved poker playing, ramblin’ gamblin’ canines hung a still life painting of a bowl of carrots. Whoever decorates these rooms must be dropping some really good acid. The painting could have been of raw fish, I didn’t care, it looked like freedom to me.

I stepped into this new and exciting land of opportunity, heart hammering, head ringing. Nothing happened. It didn’t flicker and fade away, it was as real as the headache you get after eating ice cream too fast. I looked in the refrigerator. Carrot juice, carrot cake, carrot slices and a tin of pickled carrots. Bugs fricking Bunny must live here. I didn’t care, It wasn’t the Master Room, and that meant I was about to walk out of a nightmare and into a life. I didn’t waste any time, I didn’t even bother to peer out the Window to see where I was, I just headed for the door. As Lynyrd Skynyrd would say, “Gimme two steps mister, and you’ll never see me no more!”

But just as I was about to skip out into the hall I hesitated. There was something itching in the back of my brain, something dark and nasty with two inch claws, and I knew that feeling all too well.

I slowly turned around, afraid to look, but knowing I had to. There, off to the side of the room was a dead cat. Oh, he wasn’t my dead cat, but that was kind of beside the point. Black, brown or calico, long haired or totally bald, it was a bad, bad omen.

Trembling, I walked out into the hall, a different hall, the same hall. The number on the door was 915. The numbers on all the doors were 915. The ringing in my head was getting louder. Quasimodo never had ringing like this, and he lived in a bell tower.

I collapsed on the floor and cried myself to sleep.

It’s hard to say how many days have passed since my little emotional outburst. I’ve stopped checking rooms, and have been spending my time by the Window, a rather fruitless undertaking, I must say. The view hasn’t changed much, and I haven’t seen the sun since I don’t know when. On the floor, the skeleton of the cat grins up at me, and occasionally grinds its teeth, don’t ask me how.

My newest digs are in a desert, and to call it desolate would be the understatement of the year. Miles and miles of scrubby little brush that glows a phosphorescent green in the moonlight and casts an eery light on the sand. But gradually I’ve seen the glow diminish, and two days ago (or maybe I should say two sleeping/waking cycles ago) the brush stopped fluorescing entirely. As I look up at the night sky, the stars are turning off, one by one until a darkness so complete it’s like I’m buried in a cave rains down over the land, a blackness so deep I can’t see my hand two inches in front of my face.

And the wind stops blowing.

And the monsters come out.

I can hear them now, crashing and thrashing around in the underbrush and howling in pain, or at least it sure sounds like pain. They screech and whine like a chainsaw cutting through a sheet of tin. And every now and then something flies by the Window. Something big. Something fast. Something covered in scales and reeking of rotting flesh, something that beats the air with leathery wings. Something that doesn’t have a very good sense of direction, because it slams into the side of the building so hard it makes the floor shake. They’ve been at it for four or five hours, and their blood is starting to run down the side of the building and drip on my windowsill where it forms purple puddles that bubble and froth. I decide enough is enough. I take my blankets and retreat to the hallway where I don’t have to see the carnage. I can’t shut out the sound though, it’s as loud in the hall as it is in my room, and covering my ears only seems to make it worse.

Stop it! Stop it! Oh, God make it stop! I can’t stand to just sit here, I’ve got to do something, so I start to run. Maybe if I can pass through every door in the building the world will change again and it will all go away. Maybe I won’t have to listen to the un-ending sound of breaking teeth and crunching bones.

Maybe I’ll just kill myself and be done with it all.

Or will I end up somewhere even worse than this? Is there anyplace even worse than this?

I’ve gotta run. Running eases the pain. Running holds the screams at arm’s length.

Only twenty six more floors to go.

The terrible noise escalates with every floor I complete, until it’s so loud it becomes something beyond sound. My mind stops processing the audio input, and it’s replaced by some kind of screeching background static. I haven’t stopped running for days, and the hallways are starting to distort, undulating like a serpent as I plod onward toward the next door. Always the next door. Just one more door. I’ve reached the last of the floors, and as I cross the threshold to my Master Room for the thousandth time, I’m so tired I can barely stand up but I can’t give in to the fatigue if I fall asleep here, I don’t think I’ll ever make it out I think this will be my permanent resting place, and for the rest of eternity it will just be me and the monsters I wonder how many times you can be eaten alive in hell I’m at the next to the last door, flipping through the portal for the last time, (I hope) Outside the Window a blood red moon fills the sky displacing the darkness and painting the world with a crimson brush, and I’m into the hall and down the stairs (I gave up on the elevator long ago) and now the hall on the “first” floor one foot in front of the other, one step closer to freedom the hall is shaking, the roaring is so loud its formed a halo of pain around my head turning the corner into the last hallway I can see my destination but with every step doors blow open behind me in a blast of splinters and nails don’t look back don’t look back whatever you do don’t look back I’m at the door oh where’s the goddamn key? footsteps thudding closer plaster falls from the ceiling I can smell its breath I can sense its cavernous mouth and dripping fangs needle sharp as I finally find the key and stumble through the door and pain shoots down my leg as it is raked by something incredibly sharp and the last thing I do before I lose consciousness is catch a glimpse of indescribable evil with burning embers of hate sparking and flashing in its eyes and I wedge the door shut and the noise dies as one last howl of frustration echoes into oblivion and everything is black and everything is black and everything...is...

All right. Everything is all right, although I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep through an entire night again. They say that time heals all wounds, but I’ve got an ache right behind my eyes that hurts so bad it makes me dizzy, and I think it will be with me until I’m lying in a box six feet under.

The running helps. I can almost forget when I run.

I’m on my twenty fourth building now, and they get better every time I flip through that last doorway in the series. The food is even getting tolerable, although I could live without the boiled cabbage this particular refrigerator keeps stocked.

Outside, daylight has returned, with a bright cerulean blue sky and fluffy cotton ball clouds. I can hear birds singing, and off in the distance a merry-go-’round squeaks along to the rhythm of children’s voices. Real voices, and they’re not the only ones. I can’t make out the words, but I can hear the murmur of conversation coming from the rooms all around me. And even though no one answers my calls, I don’t care. I can’t see ’em, and I can’t talk to ’em, but at least I’m not alone anymore. My building sits in a middle-American city, and has for quite a while now. I’ll take these neat rows of little pink houses over the dust of the desert any day. The trees sigh contentedly in the breeze, and every now and then I actually see a real, live bird fly by.

Almost time. I walk to the Window and wait for it.

Off in the distance I can hear the sound of tires on pavement, of wind rushing over the streamlined body of a car. It’s been like this for a few days now. The engine’s whine is joined by a second, and I brace myself for what comes next. Horns blare, tires squeal. I can almost see the rubber smoking as the treads skid across the asphalt, and then the crash comes. It’s louder and more wrenching than I ever could have imagined, metal tearing, glass exploding, and it goes on and on for what seems like forever. I know it’s over in a few seconds, but it feels like the springs have snapped and the clock has stopped. Then merciful silence returns, broken only by the spinning clatter of a hubcap twirling ever slower until even that sound retreats into the back alleys of my mind.

I rest my head in my hands and let my eyes drift over the streets. All is calm, all is bright. And so it will stay for the next few hours. Until the next crash. They’re getting closer now, both in distance and in frequency. Pretty soon it’s going to happen on my street, right in front of this Window, and there’s not one damn thing I can do about it. I turn away from the Window and start to run. I’ve only got seven more rooms in this building, and then it’s on to the next one in this endless series of walls, doors and floors. And Windows. Always the Windows.

Seven rooms fly by in a matter of minutes, it’s amazing what good shape you can get in if all you do is run. All day. Every day. The stairs blur by, the doors fling open, I cross over and it all starts again. It’s actually kind of comforting in a way, the repetition. I imagine a tiger in a cage probably feels the same way as he paces behind the bars.  He likes the motion, he detests the confinement.

And now I’m standing before the last door on the last floor. Same old, same old. Cheap presswood construction, small peephole blinking out like some kind of miniature glass and brass cyclops,
worn carpet.

However, something is different about this door. Something I’ve never encountered before.

There’s a shiny gold plate attached with my name etched on it.

I’m going to have to think a while before I walk through this one.

So, I thought about it. It was a surprisingly hard decision. Things have been pretty good lately, aside from the car crashes, and I’ve been through way too much weirdness to have any faith that this door can lead to anything other than more trials and tribulations. Not that I have any real choice in the matter, things happen around here whether I want them to or not.

So, I take a deep breath, open the door and step through.

Jenna’s looking good tonight, and my spirits are high. After three years, seven months and twenty one days, this building is done. The glass is polished, the floors are waxed and the electricity is on. Tomorrow we cut the ribbon, tonight we celebrate. I’m always amazed by how the final structure rises like a Phoenix from the ashes of the blueprints and the concrete. I marvel at the miles of wiring and tons of steel, and the countless hands that have a part in bringing the building that had previously only existed in my imagination to three dimensional reality. Walking through the door of a finished building is the greatest rush an architect can have.

We take the elevator down to the parking level and I open the car door for Jenna, then cross to the driver’s side. It’s a warm night, so I put the top down. She’s in a good mood as well, we’re both looking forward to the party. The drive over to the restaurant is one of my favorites, a winding
two-laner that twists around a series of small lakes, and as the sun sets the sky lights up like the atmosphere is on fire. The wind rushes through our hair and I wish this night would never end. I glance over at my wife. I want to remember her like this forever. Summer splashed all over her face.

And then, as we round a particularly sharp bend in the road, a cat darts out in front of the car in the opposing lane. It all happens in the slowest of slow motion, and I notice every detail. I can see the cat, an orange tabby sprinting across the highway in full stretch. He’s not going to make it, he waited too long before making his move. I watch in horror as the other driver slams on his brakes, I can see his face, his eyes are wide and white, and I don’t know what the hell possesses him, but he swerves to miss the cat, cranking hard on his steering wheel, and fishtailing his car sharply to the left.

Over the center line, right into our lane.

It all happens in a heartbeat, I never have a chance to react, and then the world explodes in a flash of light and twisting steel, a brilliant burst of stars and finally comforting waves of darkness that wash over me like the tide.

When I wake up, I’m in our home, lying in bed, and Jenna’s sitting at my foot stroking the cat who’s purring contentedly and licking his butt. “Wake up sleepy head,” she says, “just wake up,” and leaning over kisses my forehead. “You’ve had a long, hard night.” “You got that right,” I answer, (she doesn’t know how hard). “You wouldn’t believe the dream I just had.” She just smiles one of her famous smiles and walks over to the window and draws the shades. Brilliant sunlight spills in, brighter than I’ve ever seen before. So bright the whole room is washed out in a white glare. So bright I can’t see her or anything else, I’m floating in a sea of whiteness. So bright...so bright...

“Time to go home, Sweetheart,” she says softly, “I always loved you.”

As the light begins to fade a new room blurrily comes into focus. Not my bedroom. Not the Master Room. I’ve never seen this one before. Normally, I’d say different is good, but that was a whole ’nother life ago. Upon further inspection it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that I’m lying in a hospital bed. The walls are hospital white, and the smell of antiseptic permeates every corner and every fiber in the place. Mix that with the smell of hospital food, and you get an odor that I won’t soon forget. To my left sunshine spills in through the window – that’s window with a small “w” thank you – and an intravenous line snakes up from my left forearm to a bottle hanging from a metal stand. A nurse in pink scrubs gently squeezes my wrist as she takes my pulse. “Welcome back, honey,” she says, “you’ve been out for a long time.”

She’s got that right. After that long, strange trip it’s good to be back in the real world. I savor every sensation. The cotton sheets, the squeaking wheels as an orderly pushes a gurney down the hall, Jerry Springer on the television. OK, there’s a few things I haven’t missed. I drink it all in, lingering on every detail of the room. The beeping heart monitor. The plastic chairs. The fly buzzing crazily through the air like a drunken stunt pilot. Wow, it feels good to be alive. Even the light on the ceiling seems to be a little brighter than normal.

And on the wall near foot of my bed, ensconced in an ornately carved cherrywood frame hangs a beautifully rendered oil painting. A French masterpiece, you might say.

Dogs playing poker.

I wonder if I’m really back.

Design Police

The door blew in with a deafening explosion, sending wood fragments hurtling through the air and breaking the glass of every computer screen in the room. Black uniformed troops streamed in through the opening, protected by Kevlar™ vests and brandishing Corporate Identity Manuals like lethal weapons.

“Design Police!” they shouted, “Everyone put down your X-Acto© knives, place your hands on your mousepads and no one will get hurt.”

“What’s this all about?” demanded the Creative Director.

“Subdue that man.” the Captain commanded, and the troops swung into action. He was instantly bound with double-sided tape, hosed down with Spray-ment and stuck to the wall.

“I’ll ask the questions here.” the officer barked. “We’ve had a tip that this office has been making unwarranted use of creative license, an offense punishable by permanent assignment to the “Account From Hell” if you’re found guilty under guideline number 7742-B3, article 7.b; subsection 12, paragraph 13, line 7 of the Uniform Corporate Blandness Code.”

“I don’t have the foggiest notion what you’re talking about.” the CD replied, struggling to unstick his arm from the wall.

“Oh no? Then how about THIS?“ the captain retorted, snatching up a Matchprint® and waving it around like a pom-pom. “Just what do you call this color?”

“Pink.” the man replied meekly, “Sir.”

“You are aware that pink is a feminine color, and never, ever to be used in corporate communications in any way? It implies weakness and would give our competitors an edge in the marketplace.”

“Well, I read that series of memos, but this is an ad for tampons.”

“He disagreed with me about strategy on a client’s annual report,” an Account Rep said in a whiney voice, walking through the hole where the door used to be. “He wanted to use an unorthodox typeface!”

“It was Bodoni, for crying out loud!”

“I don’t care. I think I know what the client wants a lot better than you. I specifically said use a
serif font!”

“Bodoni is a serif font, you moron.”

“You’re just making it worse for yourself.” the Captain said. “We also have information that you sent fonts to an output bureau (strictly against the law), set copy flush right, reversed type out of a photograph, chose a non-recycled paper and took too long for a lunch five weeks ago. I don’t think I need to go any further.”

“No doubt about it,” the AE said, “all strictly against the rules.”

“This guy is gone,” the policeman said, signalling his troops to peel the unfortunate man off the wall, “I’d suggest the rest of you take notice. From now on, there will be no, I repeat no, use of creativity of any kind in your designs. Spontaneity and freshness are tools of the Design Devil and will not be tolerated in this company. Our clients want good old-fashioned, familiar materials, produced overnight with very little cleverness, and by God, that’s just what we’re going to give them!”

And with that, they backed cautiously out the door, dragging the man behind them.

The creative staff never saw the CD again, until one day a copywriter picked up the morning newspaper and saw the headline, “Local Man Wins Best Of Show In National Design Competition.”

“Poor sucker,” she thought to herself sadly, “he still hasn’t learned!”

You Think You've Got It Bad

I’m sitting here with with my two little daughters, and like all grown-ups since the Bronze Age I’m thinking, “These kids have got it made.” No doubt about it, we had it a lot harder when I was a child.

Yep. Life was a challenge growing up way back in the prehistoric sixties. You kids now-a-days don’t realize it, but when I was a lad the world was just emerging from the dark ages. Our family was luckier than some, but even so, we only had dirt to eat. Still, it was better than nothing, and we did come up with some interesting variations to combat the monotony of serving soil for every meal. Oh, sure, there was brown dirt, red dirt, black dirt, and for a special treat, maybe a little clay. You could mix it with water and make mud (lots easier on the teeth), and in the winter of course, we had frozen dirt a-la-mode.

We didn’t have any of your fancy electronic toys to play with either. I remember the thrill of my first toy, (which I finally received on my seventh birthday). It was awesome. It was interactive.

It was a stick.

Not just any stick, mind you. A nice stick. It was about twenty inches long, with a few small
nubs on one end and smooth, brown bark. I was the envy of all my stickless friends, and when
I took it to school for show and tell even the teacher was jealous. I carried it with me wherever
I went, and in a fit of creativity named it “Stick”. Man, I loved that old branch. I often wonder where he is today.

Now, I hope I haven’t given you the impression that life was dull in those days. Far from it. We had our entertainment, stuff that would beat the socks off anything you can do today. I used to love going to the weekly Stare-downs. And then there were the Breathing Festivals, Walking Bees and Blinking Contests. We Pendletons come from a long line of blinkers. Grandpa was Tri-County champ back in ’13, ’14 and ’18, with an unbeatable flutter-shut combination that kept his rivals terrified for most of the decade.

“But wait,” you say, “I’ve heard so much about the music of that era. The Stones. The Byrds.
The Beatles.”

Well, there may be some selective memory at work here. Everything, it seems, looks better in retrospect, and those groups were really just A) a bunch of guys hammering different sized
rocks together, B) a flock of crows that shrieked from dawn ’til dusk in Harvey Tapp’s grove,
and C) a coffee can full of bugs that would buzz in annoyance if you shook them up enough.

Still, somehow we found a way to dance to it.

We had to walk to school. 37 miles. Through waist-deep volcanic ash. Uphill both ways.

Medicine was still in a primitive state. A visit to the doctor usually involved waiving around a chicken, dancing and drum-beats. The nurse used a syringe with a square, rusty needle to give you a shot, and usually had to pound it into your butt with a hammer. The X-ray machine could melt the plastic keychain in your pocket.

The only TV was in another county. It picked up one station, which in those days mostly featured programs about oven cleaning and pet de-lousing. Everyone looked forward to the big holiday tire rotation spectaculars. And movies! Kids today complain because they only have four thousand channels on cable, but in my day, movies were nothing more than three guys and a
light bulb behind a sheet. You may have seen the 1967 Oscar-winning “Dog Barking” on late-night re-runs. Personally, I thought “Ostrich Head” should have won that year, but who can account for Hollywood tastes?

There was no Nintendo. No Internet or e-mail. No cellular phones, VCRs, cassette decks or microwave ovens. No CDs. No color TV, no cable TV. No space shuttle, and no Super Bowl. Computers filled entire rooms and required their own nuclear power source. No pocket calculators, no interstate highways. No twenty-screen cineplexes. Heart transplants were a decade away, and anesthetic was just a large wooden mallet to the head. There were no women Senators or Congress-people. There were still Mailmen and Firemen, not letter-carriers or fire-fighters. Airline “food” was served by stewardesses instead of flight attendants. There was no Diet Coke, no contact lenses, no Taco Bells, Wendys or Arbys. We wore Red Ball Jets rather than Nikes. No one played football on Monday nights. There were no fax machines.

Pretty grim, huh?

Little daughters, you’re lucky to be living in the modern world. You can communicate via satellite with your cousin in New Mexico, and you take it for granted. Your world is full of promise and hope.

But I remember walking out into the yard one cloudless August night in 1969 and gazing up at a spectacular full moon hovering brightly in the sky above our farm. There were men walking around on that moon, and the thought of it nearly blew me away. In the first 13 years of my life we went from Howdy Doody to “One small step for (a) man, one giant leap for mankind”.

Maybe the dark ages weren’t so dark after all.

The Trip To Nowhere

My wife and I were driving along on the highway the other day when I spotted a historical marker along-side the road. I couldn’t help it, I just had to pull over and see what it had to say.

It’s not that it was any big deal, it was just your run-of-the-mill marker. But, whenever I see those bronze roadside plaques­ my heart beats faster, my palms begin to sweat and I start salivating like a Pavlovian dog. You see, I was conditioned as a child to hold these informational monuments in high regard. Dispensers of vital trivia, they must be read, because you never know when someone might ask you if you know where Laura Ingalls-Wilder once built a sod outhouse, or where Buffalo Bill’s beloved pet prairie dog is buried, or where General Grant once had a headache or where the geographical center of South Dakota is located.

I can say I’ve been there.

It’s my mother’s fault, I think. She used to research our family vacations and day-trips for months ahead of time, scouring local tourist guidebooks and atlases for any and all must-see points of interest within driving range. I’m sure they looked good on paper, but I have to say, when you’ve seen one warehouse full of clocks, you’ve seen them all. As a child I visited the Amish earmuff-weaving colonies, the quaint chewing gum grottos of Poontzville, Iowa and the famed Cracker caves in West Pfizer. I’ve seen the world’s largest ball of toilet paper and petted the only surviving laughing badger in all of North America.

En-route to these storied attractions, we stopped and read every roadside sign and historical marker we encountered, and though the years have passed and they have all dissolved onto a kind of chronological blur, there is one that stands out in my memories. A marker so significant, so different from all the others that it warranted a trip of it’s own, a pilgrimage miles into the heart of nowhere just to say that we stood on the hallowed ground.

It was in Iowa, of course. You can visit it right there in Tweed county on Highway 233, four miles west of Putzdale.

The place where nothing happened.

It was a watershed moment in my young life, and I can still remember what it said.

“Here, on the banks of the Unnamed River, nothing happened.

No battles were ever fought here, and the nearest railroad passed by seventeen miles to the East. The early explorers generally disdained the area, giving it a wide berth, and the Indians had no name for it. During the land rush years of the 1800’s it was settled by a series of anonymous pioneers, none of whose names are known today, and although there are some records of a town being established in the vicinity, no evidence of it’s location presently exists. If you look in any direction, you will see several miles of flat, non-descript land. This area, known as “The Flats”, contains soil so poor, that even grass won’t grow, and instead, the hills are colonized by a generic form of fungus.”

“Wow,” we thought, “it’s boring, but by God, it’s unique.”

My mother read on...

“Although many people would be tempted to call this area unique, it actually isn’t - similar landforms may be found on every continent, and in fact the entire nation of Lower Twerdzania is built on land exactly like this.”

We stood there on the scenic overlook (actually a small hillock about the size of a pitcher’s
mound), drinking in the splendid blandness of it all for nearly an hour. My mother took 4300 photographs that all looked exactly the same, and then we adjourned to the requisite souvenir shop. It was a hard choice. As every child knows, the main purpose of a vacation is to buy every worthless plastic dolphin, dog whistle and postcard that you can lay your hands on. These are then carted around in your pocket for the entire trip, and promptly discarded as soon as you cross the threshold of your home. I was torn between the “Box-O-Dirt” and the always reliable “My parents went absolutely nowhere, and all they got me was this lousy T-shirt” shirt. I finally chose one of those holographic keychains with a 3-D picture of the Flats that changed perspective when you looked at it from a different angle. Of course, it didn’t change much, mud is pretty much mud no matter what your viewpoint might be, but that didn’t matter. I didn’t have any keys to put on it anyway.

On the way home, my brother and I played auto bingo, fought with each other, tried to spot license plates from foreign states, fought with each other, sang every campfire song we could think of, fought with each other, and tried not to throw up too many times. In other words a typical family vacation.

Hey, you’ll have to stop over some time and see the slides!