Design Police

The door blew in with a deafening explosion, sending wood fragments hurtling through the air and breaking the glass of every computer screen in the room. Black uniformed troops streamed in through the opening, protected by Kevlar™ vests and brandishing Corporate Identity Manuals like lethal weapons.

“Design Police!” they shouted, “Everyone put down your X-Acto© knives, place your hands on your mousepads and no one will get hurt.”

“What’s this all about?” demanded the Creative Director.

“Subdue that man.” the Captain commanded, and the troops swung into action. He was instantly bound with double-sided tape, hosed down with Spray-ment and stuck to the wall.

“I’ll ask the questions here.” the officer barked. “We’ve had a tip that this office has been making unwarranted use of creative license, an offense punishable by permanent assignment to the “Account From Hell” if you’re found guilty under guideline number 7742-B3, article 7.b; subsection 12, paragraph 13, line 7 of the Uniform Corporate Blandness Code.”

“I don’t have the foggiest notion what you’re talking about.” the CD replied, struggling to unstick his arm from the wall.

“Oh no? Then how about THIS?“ the captain retorted, snatching up a Matchprint® and waving it around like a pom-pom. “Just what do you call this color?”

“Pink.” the man replied meekly, “Sir.”

“You are aware that pink is a feminine color, and never, ever to be used in corporate communications in any way? It implies weakness and would give our competitors an edge in the marketplace.”

“Well, I read that series of memos, but this is an ad for tampons.”

“He disagreed with me about strategy on a client’s annual report,” an Account Rep said in a whiney voice, walking through the hole where the door used to be. “He wanted to use an unorthodox typeface!”

“It was Bodoni, for crying out loud!”

“I don’t care. I think I know what the client wants a lot better than you. I specifically said use a
serif font!”

“Bodoni is a serif font, you moron.”

“You’re just making it worse for yourself.” the Captain said. “We also have information that you sent fonts to an output bureau (strictly against the law), set copy flush right, reversed type out of a photograph, chose a non-recycled paper and took too long for a lunch five weeks ago. I don’t think I need to go any further.”

“No doubt about it,” the AE said, “all strictly against the rules.”

“This guy is gone,” the policeman said, signalling his troops to peel the unfortunate man off the wall, “I’d suggest the rest of you take notice. From now on, there will be no, I repeat no, use of creativity of any kind in your designs. Spontaneity and freshness are tools of the Design Devil and will not be tolerated in this company. Our clients want good old-fashioned, familiar materials, produced overnight with very little cleverness, and by God, that’s just what we’re going to give them!”

And with that, they backed cautiously out the door, dragging the man behind them.

The creative staff never saw the CD again, until one day a copywriter picked up the morning newspaper and saw the headline, “Local Man Wins Best Of Show In National Design Competition.”

“Poor sucker,” she thought to herself sadly, “he still hasn’t learned!”