The 9,673,427th annual meeting of The Gods’ Club was called to order by Amshanizae 27, Most Wise and Exalted Ruler of Universe Q-345:21, All Knowing, All Seeing, Benevolent King of Kings, Holiest of Holies, Most Wise Lord and Master, President.
Present were Top Gods from all the major universes (except Dren, Lord of R-664:12 who apparently is still pissed about losing the last election for Activities Coordinator). Secondary Gods from the parallel realities, and a host of minor deities, too numerous to name, were also in attendance.
Treasurer’s Report
The Treasurer’s report was read by a particularly smug looking He Who Has No Name (who true
to His theatrical nature assumed the form of a burning bush). Current balance stands at $3,445,675,876,541.17, an increase of $45,654,876,543.21 from last cycle, largely due to the auction of a newly created Godship of the Horsehead Nebula. Said auction brought in $38,000,000,000.00- a new record for a public service position. The Treasurer reminded everyone that even though we have a modest surplus, it’s still important that dues be paid on time, citing the example of Thelonius IV, who was stripped of several worlds as punishment for non-payment. Of special note was a debit of over $312,987,000,000 payed to the Galerian System for damages incurred during a drunken brawl following last new-cycle’s party. Apparently three moons were completely vaporized, a score of planets thrown out of alignment, and a small star was deliberately sent super-nova. Conduct like this is a disgrace to all Deities and will not be tolerated. If you can’t hold your liquor, for Our sake drink some spring water or something instead. Remember, billions of people look up to us, so try and set a good example.
A motion was made and seconded, and the treasurer’s report was accepted as submitted.
Old Business:
Work continues on Galaxy A, an experimental star system proposed by a student action group in Zeus 19’s Pre-Divinity class. The challenge here is to create a reality so preposterous that no one would
possibly believe that it exists. One suggestion is to create a series of worlds populated entirely by
politicians who genuinely care about their constituents, accept a vow of poverty, and devote their career to lowering taxes and improving benefits (this was rejected, as being impossible to achieve, even for Gods). Another wag envisioned a series of worlds populated entirely by characters from Gilligan’s Island, Green Acres, The Mod Squad, The Patty Duke Show, and other 60’s Earth television fare (also rejected, it already exists as cable TV). Still another seemingly impossible scenario has a planet of people who actually mean it when they say, “Of course I’ll still respect you in the morning!”. Theses are due by the end of Spring quarter.
Members will be pleased to know that the steam system in the sauna room has finally been repaired.
Lastly, the Lost & Found bin near the coat room is overflowing! All divine beings are asked to please stop on their way out and retrieve any garments or personal items before leaving, or we will be buried in a sea of misplaced gloves and hats!
New Business:
Bandrella the Glorious reports that negotiations have stalled, and a strike by the Angels’ union is practically guaranteed. Management has offered an increase in pay of over 4%, shorter hosannas,
and the option of electric guitar rather than the standard harp & trumpet lessons, but remains
snagged on the union’s demand of weekly wing cleaning and halo polishing, rather than monthly,
as currently offered.
The Most Praised Ompherious brings news that Hell is still frozen over, a development that took most of us by surprise after Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie Presley. Although there is a general unrest among the devils, it appears that no serious disruption of continuity has otherwise resulted, and demonic possessions were actually down 3% according to latest figures.
Orwari Cofuscurum, Chief of Security, states that we have recently been caught up in a wave of Supreme Beings peddling candy bars, magazine subscriptions, fruit, and raffle tickets for their children’s various causes. As every omniscient ruler of a universe here should know, this is a violation of Club policy, and will not be tolerated.
The Magnificent and Ever Present, All-encompassing, Exalted and Honored Penterios the Great,
Master of The Four Winds, Keeper of the Keys of Gondorff, Blessed Child of Mesheklebob would like to announce that He has changed His name, and from this day forward would really prefer to be addressed as “Fred”.
And last, but not least, The Gods’ Club is pleased to introduce our first Goddess member, Athena Colada from Universe T-933:42. As we all know, times have changed a lot in the last million years, and we are now proud to offer membership to any all-powerful entity regardless of his or her sex. President Amshanizae presided over the swearing-in ceremony, and the teaching of the secret club handshake.
No new business was brought forward, a motion was made and seconded, meeting adjourned.
Respectfully submitted,
Benterminous Adzetly
God of Thunder, Lord of Light
Secretary
About Me
- Don Kashatkovich
- Don was found wandering the streets at the age of seventeen, begging for lefse during the great Minnesota Lutefisk Riots of 1974. Apparently he was lost in the forest as a baby and raised to adulthood by raccoons. If true, this would go a long way toward explaining his present day affection for grubs and berries, and also the fact that he feels compelled to wash his food in the river before eating it. After failed career attempts at mail-order brain surgery and buffalo wrestling, the boy settled in as an interpreter for the American embassy in Tokyo. This didn’t last long, however, due to the fact that he doesn’t speak a word of Japanese. A lifelong resident of Minnesota, he now defies convention by splitting time between developing a hardier breed of mosquito and working on his dream of constructing a Pothole Hall of Fame. Tall Tales and Short Stories is his first collection of letters to friends, dreams and incoherent scribblings jotted down on napkins in bars. It will soon be released as a major Hollywood motion picture starring Lorena Bobbitt, Lyle Lovett, and the ghost of Elvis Presley as “Bob”.
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