The Cow's Game

I once saw a Far Side cartoon showing a bunch of cows standing on their hind legs in a field, talking amongst themselves. When their lookout spotted a car, they dropped down on all fours until it had passed, and then resumed their bipedal stance. I thought, “Now here’s a guy who knows his cows.”

Having grown up on a dairy farm, I feel relatively confident in stating that people generally don’t give cows enough credit for being the cunning, conniving creatures that they really are. Whether it be plotting to circumvent the electric fence or devising a scheme to be at the far end of the pasture every night at milking time, I can say with confidence that cows are the most nefarious of creatures.

Ours were Guernsey’s, (the brown and white spotted kind) and I’m here to tell you about a little game that they used to play. It might have been that they were bored with their bovine existence, or possibly they were just plain cantankerous. But as far as I could tell, the object of this Cow’s Game was to be as big a pain in the ass to the farmer as possible.

Here’s how it went.

Points were scored on an aggravation index of one to five, and at the end of the evening milking, the Bossy with the highest total was accorded a place of honor at the evening feed bunk (no small thing - these cows went for the ground corn like piranhas, and woe be it to anyone who got in their way). I probably never would have figured it out, but I found their score sheet hidden behind the silo one day.

It went like this...

Official Scoring Tabulation Index: The Cow’s Game

Offense Points Scored

Don’t take a crap all day. Eat as much as you possibly can, and hold it in until
you are pressurized tighter than the Goodyear blimp. Let fly as soon as you get
inside the barn. 1 point bonus if you get it on the walls as well as the floor.
4 point bonus for leaving a big pile on the floor on your way out as well........................ 3

For God’s sake, don’t stick your head in the stanchion on the first try (stanchions are
a sort of yoke that closes on the cow’s neck to hold them in position while being
milked). Go to the left. Go to the right. Go for your neighbor’s spot. Points per miss........ 1

Sneeze and blow snot all over the farmer’s leg as he walks by............................................... 4

Wait until the farmer steps between you and your neighbor to attach the milking
machine, then squish him flat between the two of you. Two point bonus if he
actually turns blue and passes out..................................................................................... 2

Fart lustily as he walks behind you (2 point bonus for blowing him into the wall.
10 point bonus if you have diarrhea and can coat him with poop from head to toe........ 1

Stomp on farmer’s foot, and refuse to move no matter how much he screams
(note: the hilarity of this stunt can be greatly enhanced by putting all 1200
pounds of your weight on the hoof on his foot...................................................................... 1

Nudge the feed shovel with your nose as the farmer walks by, causing corn to
spill all over the floor........................................................................................................... 1

Hold the water valve open on your drinking trough until it overflows, causing a flood
Noah would be proud of...................................................................................................... 2

Squat down and dip your tail in the gutter. Absorb at least three pounds of liquid
manure. When farmer approaches, swat him in the face with it (2 point bonus if
his mouth is open at the time)........................................................................................... 5

Conspire with chickens and ducks to steal socks out of the dryer and hide in a remote
corner of the barnyard (editor’s note: although I have no direct proof this was actually
going on, it explains a lot doesn’t it?).................................................................................... 1

Although most points for this game are scored in the barn, this being the area of maximum human
contact, you may also collect points for...

Finding a minute hole in the fence, enlarging it, and leading the entire herd on a
five-county cross-country marathon..................................................................................... 3

Standing under the bedroom window and mooing obnoxiously at 5:00 a.m.......................... 1

The all-time Cow’s Game champion was one Abnazzer Grizelda Mumphidine, who scored a record 84.5 points on April 6, 1972. Her portrait now hangs in the Bovine Hall of Fame in Waterloo, Iowa.

Unfortunately, she pissed the farmer off so much, he hauled her into town the next day and sold her to the packing house for hamburger.