I’d like to say a few words about the most versatile substance in the entire western world.
Shit.
Did you ever give somebody shit? Nice present. How about if somebody gives you shit, and you just have to sit there and take it? What if you’re stuck with it, like “I couldn’t give a shit,” or what if you get the shits? Then you usually feel like shit too. And if you feel like shit, you usually look like shit. Kind of a gross thought- “Wow, you look like shit!” I suppose that would actually be true if you were a real shithead. Or if you tied one on the night before and got really shitfaced.
I met a real dumb shit one time, boy, he really had shit for brains. You couldn’t understand a word he said. I said, “Man, get the shit out of your mouth!” He was carrying a little bag around with him that could talk, but you couldn’t believe a word that it said. It was a real lying sack of shit. I told him,
“I don’t believe this shit.” He said, “You’ve gotta be shitting me.”
No shit.
Did you ever go to church when you were little and try to dip your hand in the little fountain? Your mom would say, “Don’t touch that son, that’s the Holy Shit!” How was I supposed to know? It looked like the same old shit to me.
Or if you tried to take a shit? Put that back where you found it!
How high do you have to pile the shit before you get into really deep shit?
I went to a party the other day. The hostess said, “Be careful with that, this is some expensive shit!”
“I know that you little shit.” “Hey, do you want the shit beat out of you?” No thanks. She had some really good shit, though. Good thing too, because one time I got hold of some bad shit. I tried to throw it away, but the shit hit the fan. What a mess!
I’ve got a friend who’s a real sportsman. Boy, he loves to shoot the shit. Hates dressing it out
though. He’s too poor to afford clay pigeons so we use shit on a shingle. Funny guy. In his back yard he’s got a shit house. Every time it rains it kind of melts down. Nice guy, but he’s so full of shit his
eyes are brown.
One final thought. I was in a restaurant the other day, and the guy beside me says, “This hamburger tastes like shit!”
I wonder how he knew?
About Me
- Don Kashatkovich
- Don was found wandering the streets at the age of seventeen, begging for lefse during the great Minnesota Lutefisk Riots of 1974. Apparently he was lost in the forest as a baby and raised to adulthood by raccoons. If true, this would go a long way toward explaining his present day affection for grubs and berries, and also the fact that he feels compelled to wash his food in the river before eating it. After failed career attempts at mail-order brain surgery and buffalo wrestling, the boy settled in as an interpreter for the American embassy in Tokyo. This didn’t last long, however, due to the fact that he doesn’t speak a word of Japanese. A lifelong resident of Minnesota, he now defies convention by splitting time between developing a hardier breed of mosquito and working on his dream of constructing a Pothole Hall of Fame. Tall Tales and Short Stories is his first collection of letters to friends, dreams and incoherent scribblings jotted down on napkins in bars. It will soon be released as a major Hollywood motion picture starring Lorena Bobbitt, Lyle Lovett, and the ghost of Elvis Presley as “Bob”.
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